When you walk through a storm

I cannot wait for it to be winter. Dark and cold and snowy. That is what I like. To be walking instead of cycling. To wear proper boots, knitted cardigans and thick scarfs and gloves. The always present darkness. Noone is staying out more than they possible need. The weather gives one some kind of vulnerability. And since everyone else is trying to escape the winter air I get to be there alone.

Per aspeda as astra, they say. I am not so sure about that, actually I could consider disagree with it. But I am a true fan of the dark, the cold and the loneliness.

and right now can you have me so easily.

My heart broke yesterday and I actually almost started to cry.

I called up my friend Karin and she came over on a cup of tea and didn’t argue about me doing it 50-50 with passoa. And we talked about the best sex in our lives. How we both have had them, and know that there is no way that we ever will have as good sex again. Unfortunately. He was so firm, we really clicked, his positions were right and his cock fit just so well inside me.vIt was the perfect mix of domination, connection, desire, emotional way of satisfaction. Karin had had the same thing, but with a man on her last day in New Zealand. And we both just know how nothing ever can top that.

…

Well, at least we could be happy about that we got to have that feeling once.

Greetings from a horizontal position

All I can do is lie in bed, watching How I Met Your Mother and eat chocolate balls. Not even balls, to be honest. But I do it. I wake up, opens my eyes and breathes. People should be proud if that.

I am often wondering how other people not are here for me more. Why they’re not here feeding me, telling me I need to get up, I need to get outside or just drink and be miserable with me. Or just, you know, text me and ask how I am. Something like that.

But my best friend does, of course. He is here in every anxiety panic attack, he answers my texts in the middle of the night, he makes up games to distract me from sadness, he showers me, he takes me to sport events and he just holds me.

If he wasn’t here I so would have killed myself.

He changed hos mind last monday

So you gotta leave by Sunday yeah

to you and you only

So bloody mad at you, for not being here. For not being there.

For leaving me out in the middle of the night, obviously sad and unstable, when you knew how I felt. Knew that I several times a day thought about taking my life, and that I was going through rough times. Still just went home to your place, left me outdoors crying with only my longing for death waiting for me.

We hugged goodbye and then walked our different ways. Then we both looked back. And continued walking. That could have taken my life. FUCK.

Who loves the sun?

Look. I managed to get out of bed.
Going to take care of this hair now, as for today’s anxiety-practise.

Bloody stupid day

Lying in bed, hyperventilating. Getting torn apart from the inside.

dont know when this is to end. don’t know when it started. It just is.

Never be alone

So I woke up today as well, even if I tried not to.

Knew I had to be around people, so we had pancake breakfast all together. One funny think with exchange is all the different types of English you get. Today se had Jason from Oz, Dan from Ireland, Anders from Sweden, Kev from the US and even Jess from Zimbabwe. Funny how that is.

When everything seems to be broken

Since I am broken generally and heartbroken in particular, I get to share bed with my two best friends in the world. One of them happen to have four legs, but I cannot imagine that to be relevant.

Pingu

And this is a penguin at the beaches of south east NZ.